Week 16


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The Jon Gruden Quote of the Week: “”Demarcus Ware…Von Miller….I don’t know where I was going with that.”

I’m two weeks late for the Week 16 update. Want to know why? Because I forgot! Deal with it! I wasn’t aware that Gruden would be commentating during the playoffs so I was unprepared, but the Wild Card game he did on Saturday will be posted soon — along with Phil Simms on Sunday & Phil’s Week 17 quotes. Just for you guys. Because I like punishing you with Phil Simms. PHIL SIMMS!

Jon Gruden – Broncos @ Bengals:

1. “Here comes the big boys to give Denver some girth inside.”

2. “This is why I love fullbacks, listen to this in the hole.”

3. “When you run the ball against a soft box, you expect results.”

4. “You always show me getting drilled by The Sheriff.”

5. “Peyton Manning; one of the best crunch time quarterbacks EVER.” (Next play Peyton throws a pick-6 to end the game.)

6. “Every time you kick it down the middle … most of the time something bad will happen.”

7. “Demarcus Ware….Von Miller….I don’t know where I was going with that.” (Week 16 Quote of the Week!)

Check out LawlessSports.com article on Jon Gruden here for a good laugh!

Weekly Dose of Phil Simms – Titans @ Jaguars & Colts @ Cowboys:

1. “Morgan: This is one of his strengths — he is big and strong.”

2. “Sometimes if you don’t block him, you wonder if there would be as many penalties.”

3. “Oh – ‘never throw across the field’ – whoever made that rule is wrong.”

4. “If you sit back on defense, you will lose.”

5. “That penalty could really be a game changer.” (9:41 left in the first quarter.)

6. “A lot of good things happening on this drive for the Colts defense.” (Cowboys current drive: 16 plays + ended in a touchdown.)

7. “In this situation, you want to catch it with both arms.”

8. “They are making it look easy because it is easy.”

9. “Jim, this Dallas offensive line is……” (End of sentence. Complete silence for over 10 seconds.)

10. “So I ask you a question, Jim. I got asked this in pre-game: ‘Can the Cowboys handle prosperity?’ I said yes.”

11. “This is when Andrew Luck is dangerous — when he has the ball in his hands. Don’t mind the score.”

12. “One of the reasons Romo throws the ball so well is he keeps his hands on the ball.”

13. “You throw it and try to keep the defense honest and run it… when you get to the playoffs.”

14. Simms: “That’s not gamesmanship.”
Nantz: “What is gamesmanship?”
Simms: “The Cowboys threw a ball down the field.”

15. “That was a huge mistake by the defensive line on that sack.”

16. “He’s talking to himself. I love it. Because you know he’s gonna listen to himself”

Honorary Quotes from Other Announcers:

1. “Drink responsibly. Sounds like something Abraham Lincoln would have said.” -Kevin Harlan (PHI vs. WAS)

2. Dan Foutz: “You know what that’s called? That’s the Oliver Twist!”
Ian Eagle: “It’s not called that by anyone but you.” (SD vs. SF)

3. “Here is Travis Kelce, throwing people around like a school teacher. ” -Greg Gumbel (KC vs. PIT)

4. “We all fell in love with the young Macaulay Culkin, back in the day” -Joe Buck (DET vs. CHI)

I’ll try to update on time…I promise.

Week 15


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The Jon Gruden Quote of the Week: “”They gotta know if they jump offsides I’m going to bark up their tree. You can tell I’m losing my mind up here.”

Congratulations to Jon Gruden for extending his contract with ESPN through the 2021 NFL Season. That’s at least seven more years of Jon Gruden on MNF. “I love football, I love the team I’m on, and I can’t wait for years to come.” Woohoo! This week’s Gruden quotes are almost all Bears bashing, enjoy.

Jon Gruden – Saints @ Bears:

1. “You can’t triple bogey the first hole in a golf tournament and expect to win.”

2. “Bears receivers have to find a way to uncover when Cutler gets in trouble.”

3. “One of the most disappointing offensive first halves I’ve seen from anyone in a while.”

4. “Pierre Warren might be going to the Pro Bowl if he plays against Chicago more.”

5. “Are you kidding me? That’s… That’s… That’s amateur football there.”

6. Gruden: “I don’t know what can happen next, Mike, but this has been a hard watch.”
Tirico: “It’s only halfway through the first quarter.”

7. “The Bears look chaotic and disorganized on offense.”

8. “Fake a punt with ten men, hard to swallow.”

9. “That’s the 20th false start this season Mike, and I can’t hold my stomach. I just can’t stand all the pre-snap penalties with the Chicago Bears. 125 false starts; 20 this year. Intolerable in pro football. Can’t happen.”

10. “You’re gonna hear the Bears fans boo real loud in about 15 seconds.”

11. “The Bears performance on this field is exactly what it was when they came out of the locker room: lethargic, non-competitive….ugly.”

12. “So many Bears mistakes, we can’t count ’em.”

13. “An exclamation point on a dreadful evening for Jay Cutler and this Chicago Bear offense…ugly. But back to Drew Brees for a second because I want to cheer myself up.”

14. “They gotta know if they jump offsides I’m going to bark up their tree. You can tell I’m losing my mind out here.” (Week 15 Quote of the Week!)

Weekly Dose of Phil Simms – Cardinals @ Rams:
I’m so sorry.

1. “Fisher said ‘we have fownly…finally found a rhythm this season.”

2. “When you blitz and nobody blocks you, it’s called a ‘free runner.'”

3. “Kind of like when… Kurt Warner had the… ‘Fastest Game on Turf here.”

4. “You brought up a good point, Jim. If it’s called a sack… or ruled a sack…” (End of sentence.)

5. “They are edgy and what that means, Jim, is they play to the whistle.”

6. “Jim, you go up 12-3 in this game, that is two scores.”

7. “That run is as good as a touchdown.”

8. “Why throw it and get a first down?”

Didn’t have time to do Honorary Mentions from Other Announcers this week, it shall return in Week 16. Thanks for reading!

Week 14


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The Jon Gruden Quote of the Week: “Hard to explain a delay of game in the no huddle offense. But Matt Ryan is doing it all.”

Terribly sorry everyone for the late update. I am currently in the process of moving overseas and it’s taking up a lot of my time. We are now back on our regular schedule. Look at this way, the Week 15 quotes are right around the corner! Although I must admit, Gruden kept his cool this week for the most part and didn’t confuse us with any banana shakes.

Jon Gruden – Falcons @ Packers:

1. “Look at Aaron Rodgers eyes, I mean…”

2. “Green Bay Packer offensive line, best kept secret……….in Wisconsin.”

3. “This is like backyard football where you have to count 5 mississippi before you can rush.”

4. “The Falcons could win the division and still have a top 10 pick in the draft.”

5. “Aaron Rodgers is a conductor!”

6. “That Clay Matthews is EVERYWHERE!” (After #59 Brad Jones blocks a FG to end the half. Clay Matthews wasn’t even in the play.)

7. “You never see tight ends line up as wide receivers.”

8. “Hard to explain a delay of game in the no huddle offense. But Matt Ryan is doing it all!”

Weekly Dose of Phil Simms – Bears @ Cowboys:

1. “DeMarco Murray. He’s a pro now.” (Been with the Cowboys since 2011.)

2. “I think they are going to mark this one where he was tackled.”

3. “Jim, on Showtime, we don’t get to talk a lot about football.”

4. “When he ran the football he got lucky…..not lucky……smart.”

5. “4th and 2 here, Jim, you try and win the game.” (Bears down 41-28, 2:00 left in the 4th quarter.)

6. “If I was the cowboys here, I’d run it on 3rd and short.”
(Cowboys pass for 1st down)
“That’s the right play call Jim.”

7. “Really, Jim, it was not that bad of a throw.”


Honorary Mentions from Other Announcers:

1. Dan Fouts: “Nothing good happens when you jump in the air.”
Ian Eagle: “In football? Or just in general?” (PIT vs. CIN)

2. “Jordan Hoyer.” -John Lynch (IND vs. CLE)

3. “And the Browns will pick up the first down.” -Kevin Burkhardt (on a 6 yard catch by Josh Gordon on 2nd and 15.) (IND vs. CLE)

4. “So which team hasn’t won a game in 63 days again? -Kenny Albert (CAR vs. NO)

5. “And Russell Wilson ends up on his back. He’s been in that position a lot.” -Joe Buck (SEA vs. PHI)

6. “He just set back the Punters Are Athletes and People Too movement about 10 years.” -Joe Buck (on Jon Ryan.) (SEA vs. PHI)

7.  “Carlos Rogers hasn’t been able to play for the 49ers much this year.” -Chris Myers (Rogers is on the Raiders this year.) (SF vs. OAK)

8. “They wrote a book about pass interference, its called 50 Shades of Grey.” -Al Michaels (NE vs. SD)


Again I apologize for the delay, thank you for being pateint and see you next week!

Week 13


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The Jon Gruden Quote of the Week: “If you don’t like Joe Philbin, you don’t like people.”

I can’t believe the Jets got a MNF game in Week 13. What the hell? Aren’t we in flex time yet? Anyway, enjoy this week’s Gruden quotes although you could tell he was a little bored.

1. Gruden: “Pretty obvious call against the Jets there Mike.”
Tirico: “Why? Because I saw it right away?”
Gruden: “……Yes.”

2. “Rex Ryan still has bullets in his holster.”

3. “If you’re Brent Grimes, you don’t want to see this train coming down your neighborhood.”

4. “For the life of me, I don’t know how that’s not running into the kicker. Grimes ran right into the kicker.”

5. “Decker probably thinks he is playing with Tim Tebow again.”

6. “That is something they have not done, recently, in a long time.”

7. “No one in the State of Florida expected the Jets to run a reverse with Greg Salas.”

8. “John Connor. In. The. Hole. You wanna be a fullback, you gotta make these kind of BLOCKS.”

9. “If you’re a cornerback like Brent Grimes, you don’t want to see this TRAIN (Chris Ivory) coming down your neighborhood. He can run over you, he can jump over you, he can do it all.”

10. “These Jets have dropped more interceptions than any team I’ve ever seen.”

11. “If you don’t like Joe Philbin, you don’t like people.” (Week 13 Quote of the Week!)

Weekly Dose of Phil Simms – Bears @ Lions & Patriots @ Packers:
Two games with this moron this week. For fuck’s sake.

1. “I’d go ahead and kick a field goal because you aren’t a good run team.”
(Next play is a running TD)
“Great play call by Caldwell.”

2. “What does Detroit’s defense want to do? Whatever they want to do, they have to do it quick.”

3. “Running the ball is a waste of time.”

4. “It’s a game inside and what I mean by this is…here he come (sic) around the outside.”

5. “There is no cover job in football.”

6. “This years Turkey Bowl was our 19th and next year will be our 20th.”

7. “Well, they’re being balanced. Heh.”


8. “You can tell he was a shortstop, just the way he leans.”

9. “Why did he want the job with the Detroit Lions? Because they have a defensive line, a QB and WRs.”

10. “When they blitz, you get extra time to throw it.”

11. “You look at the crosser, he probably could have stuck it in there… Nope. That’s why he did this.”

12. “Watch the right guard pull around… you can hear it.”

13. “Everybody wants it small and soft so they can dig their fingers into it.” (I….I don’t know…)

14. “By putting Clay Matthews inside they’ve learned a lot which they already knew.”

15. “The last three home games, they’ve never punted in the first half.” (Currently 2:21 left in 3rd)

16. “Brandon LaFell: Big, tall receiver.” (He’s shorter than Tom Brady)

17. “You see Rodgers with his hands in his pockets. He likes to keep them warm.”

18. “That’s why I gave up a long time ago. Let’s just wait and see who wins.”

19. “Bill Belichick has taken a lot of big chances in his career. This is one of them.” (Week 13, 5:50 in 4th quarter)

20. “He makes the catch and it hits the ground. But did it ever come out?”

Just kill me.

Honoray Mentions from Other Announcers:
Michaels and Collinsworth actually seemed drunk on the thanksgiving game. So many basic factual errors during the game, plus they really seemed like they were free styling it at some points. Whatever happened it was hilarious.

1.  “He thinks the job of the quarterback is to distribute the football.” -Cris Collinsworth (SEA vs. SF)

2. “Welcome to whereever we are right now. Some city an hour south of San Francisco.” -Cris Collinsworth (SEA vs. SF)

3. “Got some crazy women in Kansas City. And we’re gonna get us none.” -Al Michaels (KC vs. DEN)

4. “If you get that ball in your hands, that’s a touchdown.” -Donovan McNabb (NO vs. PIT)

5. “Why did the clock stop?” -Solomon Wilcots (after a failed 4th down conversion – clock stops on a possession change) (CIN vs. TB)

6. “Teddy Bridgewater might be a Bridge-ICE by the time this one is over!” -Chris Myers (CAR vs. MIN)

7. “Michael Vick almost got hurt on the sideline.” -Mike Tirico (MIA vs. NYJ)

Have a great week!

Week 12


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The Jon Gruden Quote of the Week: “This kid here, this Kyle Juszczyk, was a fullback out of Harvard. I don’t even know how to spell Juszczyk.”

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! Sorry we’re a day late with the post here.  I also want to give a shout out to the “2 Y Banana” guys in the stands – one dressed up as Gruden and the other in a banana suit. Good stuff, guys. Let’s get it started!

Week 12 – November 27, 2014

1. “Who is Justin Forsett?”

2. “Gary Kubiak is a great coach, but look at that sideline sheet. What is he doing?”

3. “Ravens’ edge rushers do a great job of banging the tight end.”

4. “Steve Smith with the block. Torrey Smith with the catch. Wouldn’t you like to have those two Smiths?”

5. Ref: After review, the ruling is that the runner was down by contact.
Tirico: Yep, down by contact…
Gruden: That was not down by contact.

6. “Look at that IHOP menu. What’s he doing?”

7. Gruden: This kid here, this Kyle Juszczyk, was a fullback out of Harvard. I don’t even know how to spell Juszczyk.
Tirico: He went to Harvard, so he doesn’t have that problem.

Weekly Dose of Phil Simms – Dolphins @ Broncos:
As I write this, I am finishing up the Phil Simms Thanksgiving broadcast for Lions vs Bears. The pain.

1. Nantz: “Not sure who called that down for John Fox. Not a wise decision.”
Simms: “Great challenge by John Fox.”

2. “That’s a great call, cause, if it doesn’t work you lose 3 to 5 years.” (yards? who knows.)

3. “Jim, we can see this Miami Dolphense.”

4. “In the NFL that’s the most important stat: Points.”

5. “3rd and 10 here, Jim, I would play pass coverage.”

6. “He’s the quarterback of the defense.”

7. “Just the big key to this — everything.”

8. “I watched it live and it looked like the defender got there early.”

9. “That’s a good safe play…oh…he fell down.”

Honorable Mentions from Other Announcers:

1. “Easy guys, this isn’t a NASCAR race.” -Greg Gumbel (after some pushing and shoving) (PHI vs. TEN)

2. “You hit the head on the nail there.” -Chris Simms (JAX vs. IND)

3. “And Johnny Manziel is only in a snickers commercial.” -Joe Buck (DET vs. NE)

4. “Robert Kraft, a modern day Zoolander.” -Joe Buck (DET vs. NE)

5. “Not to be confused with a sneak peek inside the hoodie, that never happens.” -Troy Aikman (DET vs. NE)

6. “It’s not anything the Bears have done, it’s what the Bears’ Defense has done.” -Thom Brennaman (TB vs. CHI)

7. “No coach says ‘we’re gonna turn the ball over 2 times in 8 minutes.'” -Thom Brennaman (TB vs. CHI)

8. “Robert Griffin III looking for divine intervention here…” -Kevin Harlan (WAS vs. SF)

9. “He only started using his hands at 12 years old.” -Cris Collinsworth (DAL vs. NYG)

10. “We now know your name, LADELL Beckham Jr.” -Solomon Wilcotts (facepalm of the season) (NYJ vs. BUF)

Enjoy your turkey and see you next week!

Week 11


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The Jon Gruden Quote of the Week: “This is the Berger Bowl. Look at Roethlisberger. He’s got playmaking skills, he’s got body type, he’s got a lot of experience on his ‘berger’, precision, supporting cast. And Mettenberger, he’s got arm talent on his ‘berger’. He has to get more FIXINS on there!”

Jon Gruden has done it again. After declaring this game the Berger Bowl, I completely lost it. Roethlisberger vs Mettenberger. Where does he come up with this stuff? Anyway, let’s keep it short and sweet and get to this week’s quotes.

Week 11 – November 19, 2014

1. Tirico: I love watching Le’Veon Bell run. It’s like he freezes, then…buh BUM…explodes.
Gruden: I like that buh bum noise you made there, Mike.
(Bell scores a TD)
Gruden: Buh bum!

2. “He’s a one gap penetrator.”

3. “Roethlisberger is one tough customer.”

4. “Heath Miller is so friendly to the quarterback……he knows how to play tight end.”

5. “LeVeon Bell runs like old school Pittsburgh football. They’re mauling them, Mike.”

6. “Love that name; Carl Klug.”

7. “I don’t even recognize the secondary of the Titans, Mike. They use every man in the secondary room every week.”

8. “In the Steelers offense, there are A LOT of type of runs. That’s why Roethlisberger has a wristband that goes all the way up his forearm.”

9. After a Bishop Sankey TD;
Gruden: “That will quiet these Steeler fans.”
Tirico: “Funny you say that because we’re in Tennessee.”

10. “This is the Berger Bowl. Look at Roethlisberger. He’s got playmaking skills, he’s got body type, he’s got a lot of experience on his ‘berger’, precision, supporting cast. And Mettenberger, he’s got arm talent on his ‘berger’. He has to get more FIXINS on there!” (Week 11 Quote of the Week!)

berger bowl

Weekly Dose of Phil Simms – Bills @ Dolphins:
I apologize in advance if you lose some IQ points due to reading this week’s Phil Simms section.

1. “When you have a quarterback learning a new system, you gotta be…spontaneous.”

2. “Very good drive by this Dolphins, many things…” (end of sentence)

3. “Sometimes when Kyle Orton gets sacked, he protects the football preventing a turnover.”

4. “They want him to, I hate to say it, take the next step.”

5. Nantz: “Anything stand out to you?
Simms: “………..”


(complete silence)

6. “Safe call by the Buffalo defense.” (Buffalo had the ball)

7. “I was looking to disagree with you but it makes too much sense.”

8. “Tan-E-Hill.”

9. “In full speed, it was bang bang.”

10. “Of course, Jim, this is cosmetic.”


11. Simms: “Whoever loses this game, their chances of making the playoffs will be slim, Jim.”
Nantz: “Thank you for calling me Slim Jim.”
(followed by 10+ seconds of complete silence)

And for one final Phil Simms treat for this week….here he is attempting to drink tea all by himself! Keep at it, Phil, some day you will do it, I believe in you!


Honorary Mentions from Other Announcers:

1. “People wonder how the center couldn’t feel the hands on a snap. Well, that’s a lot of man down there.” -Steve Tasker (HOU vs. CLE)

2. “The browns don’t give up the football when it matters.”
(fumble on next play)
“Oh I guess that was my fault!” -Andrew Catalon (HOU vs. CLE)

3. “The 49ers don’t have any sacks today.” -Kevin Burkhardt (Literally immediately after a 49ers sack) (SF vs. NYG)

4. “This is an ugly defensive series for the…offensive team…” -Dick Stockton (TB vs. WAS)

5. “He has very deceiving speed.” -Troy Aikman on Jordy Nelson (Why didn’t he just say “Jordy Nelson is white”?) (PHI vs. GB)

6. “They’ve won 15 of their last 8 games.” -Chris Myers (on the Cardinals) (DET vs. AZ)

7. “Get your calculators out, this will be fun!” -Cris Collinsworth (NE vs. IND)

Thank you for reading! Check back next Wednesday for more Gruden & Company quotes!

Week 10


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The Jon Gruden Quote of the Week: “Spider 2 Y Banana Shake? That’s a great idea.”

Hello everyone! I hope you all had a fantastic Veteran’s Day (which explains the Wednesday update) and enjoyed yourselves. Being a Veteran myself, I decided to take the day off from updating websites and the like. But alas! We are back and boy do we have some good stuff this week, from the Spider 2 Y Banana Shake to Mark Sanchez’s “Escape from New York.” Every week I think that Gruden cannot possibly top himself again, and every week he proves me wrong. The fact that he is now casually making smoothies in the middle of games has made me unsure of what he won’t do. Enjoy!

Week 10 – November 12, 2014

1. “Shot-gun snap accuracy is a huge part of this Eagles offense.”

2. “When Cam is on the receivers are off. When Cam is off…Cam is off.”

3. “That’s the job I want. Dummy Signaler for the Eagles. Boy, if they had me down there doing it there’s no telling what I’d come up with.”

4. “I have a hard time breathing when when I see Jonathan Stewart and DeAngelo Williams in the same building. I think I contributed to these backs’ financial status. They got big contracts after dealing with me.”

5. “My son and I learned this dance because they did that dance to me on Monday night.”

6. “This kid flips the switch, he becomes nightmare number 59.”

7. “I don’t do anything like Chip Kelly. That’s why he’s down there and I’m up here.”

8. “This is like ‘Escape from New York’, Mike.” (after a Mark Sanchez TD pass)

9. “Jason Peters is a HIGHLIGHT REEL at Left Tackle.”

10. “There’s a big thing you gotta do when you’re coaching a quarterback, you gotta stimulate him.”

11. “Trent Cole is not doing a good job. He’s doing a really good job.”

12. “I like Snake Plissken.”

13. “The problem is my wife would divorce me, she says, ‘You’re gonna get 10 hours sleep, a home-cooked meal and a steam?'”

14. “Chucky’s Protein Powder. Chip Kelly gave me this, so I can make my own shake. Here, try this….but I might have put in too much Chucky’s Protein Powder.”

15. “Spider 2 Y Banana Shake? That’s a great idea.” (Week 10 Quote of the Week!)


Watch the full video of the Quote of the Week here!

Weekly Dose of Phil Simms – Browns @ Bengals:

1. Phil Simms: “I thought there should be a flag……I’m looking for a flag…..”
Jim Nantz: “There is a flag.”
Phil Simms: “Ok.”

2. “Well, he wasn’t triple covered but he did have 3 guys around him.”

3. “The good corners in the NFL, ya know…….are good.”

4. “I would expect the Browns to run the ball here.”
(Browns Pass)
“Of course I was wrong.”

5. “It’s good to have a running back.”

6. “When you go fast, you lose your power.”

7. “11:55 and three timeouts, Jim. This game is not over.”
(Bengals INT)
“Jim, the throw was terrible.” (luckily for you all, I turned the game off at this point.)

Honorary Mentions from Other Announcers:

1. Al Michaels: “Should Bears fans be more flipped off at their offense or at their defense right now?”
Cris Collinsworth: “…..I’m sorry? I wasn’t listening.”
Al Michaels: “Uh…would you be more flipped off at your offense or your defense? If you were a Bears fan.”
Cris Collinsworth: “The answer is yes.” (CHI vs. GB)

2.  “They were discombobulated. Are they now….combobulated?” -Kevin Burkhardt (SF vs. NO)

3. “I don’t understand why you don’t just pound it in here when you have a big back like Blount.” -Rich Gannon (Blount runs for -8 yds on the next play) (PIT vs. NYJ)

4. “He hit the ground flying…that doesn’t even make sense.” -Joe Buck (NYG vs. SEA)

5. “And the kick is a long, line drive…….no, it’s a short kick that bounces out of bounds.” -Al Michaels (CHI vs. GB)

6. “This is downright embarrassing. This is a proud franchise that is being humiliated here tonight.” -Cris Collinsworth (CHI vs. GB)

7. “We’re not gonna flex out of the 2nd half are we?” -Al Michaels (CHI vs. GB)

8. “Two teams have been officially banned from primetime, the Bears and the Bengals.” -Cris Collinsworth (CHI vs. GB)

Honestly, I should have just made an Al Michaels & Cris Collinsworth section in this one. They were on fire on MNF! Thanks for reading, please share!


Week 9


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The Jon Gruden Quote of the Week: “This Andrew Luck, he’s an architectural man, Mike. He’s interested in STADIUMS. He told me the components that comprise concrete.”

Hello everyone! Just want to quickly apologize for the day late update, it’s happened twice now this season – burn me at the stake! However, we are here now, and we have a good week lined up for you as the Spider 2 Y Banana makes a brief return. Enjoy!

Week 9 – November 5, 2014

1. “Cleveland rocks.”

2. “Might as well have called Spider 2 Y Banana, Mike.”

3. “If you don’t gain anything on 1st down, it’s almost like a sack.”

4. “These are professional bump and run specialists.”

5. “It’s really important for Eli Manning to score points tonight.”

6. “They’ve got to give him a hand, help him get off, give him some relief.”  (…)

7. “Vontae Davis, he might be the Grinder tonight.”

8. “It’s hard to tell what’s going on in this league. How about the Colts? They gave up 650 yards last week; they look like the ’75 Steelers tonight.”

9. “Odell Beckham Jr. I like it…this man is EXTREMELY FAST. He brings a quality that the Giants have never had, SPEED.”

10. “Eli Manning has to learn a lot of his new teammate’s names. He’s also gotta learn a lot of new fundamentals. That’s like teaching Tiger Woods how to old a club or teaching LeBron James how to shoot.” (I don’t think so.)

11. “I don’t know how many attempts Luck has, but I guarantee you he’s on pace to overtake Matthew Stafford for the NFL record in attempts.”

12. “He kicked me out of Oakland. I disliked Adam Vinatieri for a long time. He’s something else.”

13. “I don’t know about fifteen yards. Can’t we give them a break of some kind?” (after a facemask penalty.)

14. “Andrew Luck. A human SHREDDER.”

15. “Vontae Davis looks like Bumgarner from the Giants. He’s throwing a no hitter out there tonight.”

16. “Andrew Luck only comes along every five or ten or twenty years. Or a lifetime.”

17. “That’s one of the all-time great plays you’ll ever see Andrew Luck or any other quarterback make, EVER.” (after an Andrew Luck TD pass to Reggie Wayne.) 

18. “This Andrew Luck, he’s an architectural man, Mike. He’s interested in STADIUMS. He told me the components that comprise concrete.” (Week 9 Quote of the Week!)

Weekly Dose of Phil Simms – Broncos @ Patriots:
Remember, these are a punishment, not a reward – and are not meant to entertain.

1. “It is. This is definitely a riveally.” (Rivalry?)

2. “Jim, we’d just seened Brandon LaFell come acrost.” (Sounds worse than my Kindergarten students.)

3. “When you get a chance to score points in this game, you do it.” (Captain Obvious checking in.)

4. “Jim, the tackling has been Chris.”

5. “You can’t talk about him enough because we talking about Vonn Miller.”

6. “They (Patriots) do that a lot. They have a guy look around and throw in the back of the end zone.” (what…)

7. “That was a different league back then (2004), you could hit the receivers.”

8. “Stopping progress, you name it. It’s there in the rulebook.”

9. “Ninkovich, he’s a…whats the word for it…a pain.” (He actually struggled for this.)

10. “They have a game plan for every game. They don’t say ‘hey, let’s just go in and run our stuff.'”

Honorary Mentions from Other Announcers:

1.  “It’s like a herd of Zebras!” -Dan Fouts (on the referees) (SD vs. MIA)

2. “As always with Kansas City, the key today will be defense, the running game, and if Andy Reid can protect a lead until the seventh inning.” -Sam Mellinger (NYJ vs. KC)

3. “After tonight, we’re done with the NFC South. We already had the blockbuster Atlanta-Tampa game.” -Jim Nantz (NO vs. CAR)

4. “Brandon Weeden is a first round talent.” -Troy Aikman (AZ vs. DAL)

5. “And he’s gonna kick it away to Ted Ginn Jr…it’d be really weird if he kicked it away to Ted Ginn Sr.” -Joe Buck (AZ vs. DAL)

6. “That’s what Carson Palmer loves about this offense. False start, Arizona.” -Joe Buck (AZ vs. DAL)

7. “That’s just a very decisive decision.” -Daryl Johnston (PHI vs. HOU)

8. “J.J. Watt wouldn’t even have a cake ball.” -Daryl Johnston (PHI vs. HOU)

9.  “He’s got that make-guys-missability.” -Ronde Barber (WAS vs. MIN)

10. John Lynch: “Roberson makes the cardinal sin of getting his eyes in the backfield instead of having his man. Keep your eyes on your luggage, young man. Anquan Boldin takes advantage of it.”
Kevin Burkhardt: “His luggage just got taken to the house!” (STL vs. SF)

11. “If you’re in the Patriots locker room at half time, what do you think you have to do to get back in this game?” -Jim Nantz (score was 27-7 NE) (DEN vs. NE)

12. “This could impact this depending on what happens.” -Chris Collinsworth (BAL vs. PIT)

13. “So on a wing and a prayer….I’m sorry, I didn’t just say that.” -Al Michaels (BAL vs. PIT)

14. “The Ravens are taking a time out here. For some reason. I have no idea.” -Al Michaels (This was when the ravens were behind by like 22 points with a minute left. I have to agree with him here, but still hilarious.) (BAL vs. PIT)

15. “We welcome you into the booth for the awkward shot of two guys in suits talking into the camera.” -Joe Buck (AZ vs. DAL)

16. “Ajirotutu has been…Ajiro-jected” -Ian Eagle (YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAHHH!) (PHI vs. HOU)

17. “James Harrison is the AARP player of the week.” -Al Michaels (BAL vs. PIT)

Thank you all for being patient on my day late update, see you next week – on time! Please share and help us grow!

Week 8


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The Jon Gruden Quote of the Week: “Anything goes on any given Sunday, especially on Monday night.”

Jon Gruden has been capable all year of referring to his brother as “Jay Gruden” instead of “my brother” — until last night. When Jay called Jon’s favorite play, Spider 2Y Banana – Jon loved it so much the brotherly loved truly showed. We had a great football game last night in what was probably the biggest upset of the year, while Gruden/Tirico were on point as always. Any Given Monday, anyone? Let us begin! Also, if you didn’t know — I am a Redskins fan, HTTR!

Week 8 – October 28, 2014

1. “The story of the year to me is the Cowboys defense. I call it the UFO defense – Unidentified Flying Objects.”

2. “You’ve got to keep your poise in the noise.”

3. “My brother only calls me when he wants to talk about failure.”

4. Mike Tirico: “You and your brother think alike. Who would have guessed?”
Jon Gruden: “It’s a family problem, Mike.”

5. “This could be an all time John Wayne performance if Romo goes back in the game.”

6. “I would throw a slant and try and get a Hail Mary.”
(Redskins decide to take a knee)
“Well they are going to play for overtime. Wise decision.”

7. “If you like underdogs, you’ll like Colt McCoy.”

8. “Tomy Romo, and his veteran SAVVY, is a pleasure to watch.”

9. “DeMarco Murray is an all-around back with EXTREME production. How’s that?”

10. “That’s halfback choice, and Roy Helu is the halfback that runs the choice.”

11. “Justin Durant deserves more credit than he gets. Not only does he lead the Cowboys in tackles, he leads the Cowboys in effort.”

12. “Tyron Smith. Look at that REACH. He could knock me out from Fort Worth, Mike. 37 inch arms. I think they’re 39 now.”

13. “I bet ya Jim Haslett is gonna dial up an all out blitz.” (on every Cowboys offensive play in the 4th quarter.)

14. “That’s a town I’d like to live in!”

15. “That’s why he wears #88.” (after a Dez Bryant TD. No explanation was given as to why this means anything.)

16. Jon Gruden: “My brother’s won a lot of games as a coach, but he’s not made many more difficult calls than this one. SPIDER 2 Y BANANA. To Darrell Young for a CRITICAL first down!”
Mike Tirico: “Because as always, the fullback in the flat is the primary receiver.” (sarcasm)
Jon Gruden: “Let’s not go there.”

Watch Quote #16 here! Also includes Quote #3.

17. “Anything goes on any given Sunday, especially on Monday night.” (Week 8 Quote of the Week!)

Weekly Dose of Phil Simms – Chargers @ Broncos & Colts @ Steelers:
Congratulations to @philsimmsquotes for getting married this weekend! This is the last week we have to put up with Phil Simms on Thursday Night Football, as the Thursday games will return to NFL Network.

1. “Peyton Manning threw it to his receiver’s hands on purpose!”

2. “The Formation tells Peyton they will drop into Zone Coverage………wait, I was wrong, it’s a blitz.”

3. “Jason Weddle comes in………” (end of sentence.)

4. “The Baltimore Collllllll…………Indianapolis Colts.”

5. “And there goes Gay like ‘your Luck has just run out Andrew.'”

6. “That’s fatigue. That’s what happens when you’re on the field for too long.”

7. “Rivers is a great leader.” (Immediately after Phillip Rivers yells at his coach for calling a timeout.)

Honorary Mentions from Other Announcers:

1. “It’s just a matter of going into the endzone before getting tackled.” -Troy Aikman (DET vs. ATL)

2. “He’s a guy who kind of wears on you: the more you watch him, the more you like him.” -John Lynch (CHI vs. NE)

3. “It’s starting to get sloppy for Fischer, that’s really uncharacteristic from what we’ve seen.” -Donovan McNabb (STL vs. KC)

4. “Griffen is having these sex- SACKS…” -David Diehl (MIN vs. TB)

5. “Will we have some points in the first half? You’ll have to come back to find out!” -Justin Kutcher (MIN vs. TB)

6. “The shot clock.” -Ronde Barber (referencing the play clock) (PHI vs. ARI)

7. “There’s nobody else. It’s Ingram’s night.”
(30 Seconds Later)
“I mean, Cadet will get a lot of work tonight too.” -Cris Collinsworth (GB vs. NO)

8. “DeMarco Murray is playing extremely well football.” -Ray Lewis (WAS vs. DAL)

9. “If his foot is out of bounds, he is considered out of bounds.” -Ronde Barber (PHI vs. ARI)

10. Not an announcer…but “NO MEANS NO!” -Washington Redskins PR Guy. Watch here!

Thanks for reading! Please share! And remember….NO MEANS NO!!!!!!!